Hey kids, it's that time of the year again! You know, the one that can really blow. Here are some helpful hints, tips, tricks, suggestions, advisings, suggadvices, and hinttipricks that might help you make it through.
It is nearing 8:00 a.m. on Thanksgiving Day and I'm still in my pajamas, hair very askew and getting into that post-waking “I feel greasy and gross and want nothing more than to shower” mode. But I'm already seeing assorted online friends and acquaintances starting the day with dread because oh mother of fuck, I have to spend time with people I really kind of dislike a bunch. These could be family members, they could be friends of friends, any number of walking black holes that seem determined to be mannerless pig bastards on a day that is allegedly about being grateful to be with those you love (and who love you). And that's not cool. So many of us have a precious day off from work, where we're often forced to deal with mannerless pig bastards – but at least we're getting paid for it. Instead of spending this workfree day luxuriating in whatever sort of thing we want to do, we're INVITING THE MANNERLESS PIG BASTARDS INTO OUR HOMES. Or GOING TO THEIR MANNERLESS PIG BASTARD HOUSES. And then there's hurt feelings and frustration and wishing for death and drinking a lot and it all ends in tears and a promise to ourselves that NEXT year, we are going to THE BAHAMAS/NOVA SCOTIA/ANTARCTICA in order to avoid this fuckery.
This is no good, my loves. This silly-ass “suck it up and suffer the mannerless pig bastards (can you tell I am REALLY entranced with that phrase)” thing stops now. You need some solutions so you don't have to suffer through one more goddamnably awful Thanksgiving or holiday gathering (because oh yes, more's coming). And don't think because you might not have a “signature” holiday approaching because you might not be of the Judeo-Christian or Western Worldly persuasion that this can't apply to you. Everyone with, let us say, problematic interactions with assorted people can utilize some of my hinttipricks.
Let us begin with the most obvious, yet hardest thing to say for so many of us: NO.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. Try it, let the word trip off the tongue, say it short and staccato NO or revel in the vowel NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. We are terrified of “No” because we don't want to seem like the bad guy or no funsers, and often we're dealing with mannerless pig bastards (let's just abbreviate from here on out, MPBs) who “won't take 'no' for an answer”. Well, guess what? They're about to learn...that they WILL. Because with a “no” comes action – or, rather, inaction. Does going to your parents' house fill you with dread and horror because it's hours upon hours of passive-aggressive nitpickery and criticism disguised as “advice”? Are you expected to appear at multiple houses, even though those houses contain people you do not like? Are you routinely guilt-tripped with things like “I don't know if I'll even live to see next Thanksgiving/but your Aunt Tillie's got a foot in the grave/but I never get to see you/what would Glenn Beck say”? Would even Gandhi be all “fuck this shit”? Then it's time to make other plans, fans, and put the NO to work. And you know what? You don't even need to have other plans outside of “sit on couch and scratch my ass” because you don't have to justify not making the trek to RottenFeelingsTown. If it makes you feel better to craft an elaborate pretend plan, go for it. But the most important part is removing yourself from that maelstrom of horror. Which includes having MPBs to YOUR house, too. Your house should be a jerk-free zone, especially important if you've got children running around. Being exposed to bad behavior from adults is not cool. Your kid shouldn't have to see you being dressed down by your overbearing relative or witness you literally crying into the mashed potatoes because your father is a rancid asshole. And if they DO have to see it, use it as a moment to explain to them what rotten behavior is, even if it's coming from MeeMaw and PeePaw. When the inevitable invitations start coming in, start cranking out the No. You have other plans, you need to stick close to home since JimJoe/SissySue has to work Friday, we've decided to have a quiet holiday at home, traveling is difficult and expensive for us right now, no thank you no NO no NO no.
They will counterstrike, of course, whether laying on guilt or insisting on paying for your plane ticket/bus fare (eww)/gas. But you must hold firm and fast and keep on rockin' the no. It's not you being selfish – unless you think getting through a day without feeling like your soul has been crushed by those purported to love you the most is being selfish. It's you saving yourself. It's about taking control of how you are treated by others. It is protecting your partner and (if they exist) your children from people who are NOT going to have a Scrooge moment and throw farthings out the window to a local boy to bring him the finest fatted goose because they've realized the error of their ways. The MPBs are, nine times out of ten, going to be MPBs TO THE GRAVE. And hey, maybe your limiting your exposure to them might trip something in their pig brains and cause them to reflect upon their behavior. If that does happen, that is beautiful.
It's also painfully rare.
It's a hard row to hoe, my squashes, I know. Having that realization that your parent or your sibling or your friend from third grade is someone that you really don't care for is a dark thing. Everyone wants everyone to get along and we all want that Norman Rockwell moment because that's what is supposedly “normal” and “right” and “the way”. But it's not the case for everyone, and I think it's important to stop suffering through so much shit like we all tend to do. You know that bit in “Return of the King” where Aragorn's about to go into the creepy dead people mountain cave and the inscription says says “the dead do not suffer the living” and he's all through clenched kick-ass teeth, “You shall suffer me”? Well, you are Aragorn with crazy eyes and you are going to raise your sword and proclaim “YOU SHALL SUFFER MY NO”. It's up to you if you want to tag it with “jerk”.
you will also suffer how FOXY I AM
“But Jane,” many of you are saying through clenched kick-ass teeth, “I seriously CANNOT AVOID THIS FOR REAL” and trust me, I feel you. I do. If you feel like you can't roll with the No, then I give to you the phrase that pays for me and one that I use ad infinitum: you cannot change other people. You can only change how you react to them. (Yes, I'm sure Oprah and Tony Robbins and probably the Dalai Lama have whipped this chesnut out long before me.) “Oh, I have never heard this before,” you are now lying through said clenched teeth, but I appreciate your going along with my game. “How might I best employ it in future interactions with loud report?” Why, I'm happy to tell you, sugardrawers!
Are you girding your precious loins for an onslaught of digs/”conversations” about your appearance, your line of work, your lack of work, your parenting style, your choice of partner? Do you find yourself either running to a bathroom to cry or getting so enraged that you wind up throwing a massive brody that will go down in family legend in response to these “conversations”? Or worse, bottling up said rage to then only unleash it on innocent parties? If your answer is “yes, you foxy broad” then let's have some hinttipricks to wriggle our ways out of these conversations and emerge from another holiday season triumphant and the rightful king of Gondor!
Don't look at me like that.
Redirection: Redirection is a fantabulous method with which to diffuse and otherwise take the MPB's attention off of you. For example, let's say MPB Mom uses every Thanksgiving occasion to moan at you about your weight, whether you be (by her estimation) too fat or too thin. She'll give you the side-eye if you reach for another spoonful of egg nog Jello, tsk-tsk if you only have turkey and a smidge of stuffing, or regales you with stories of a long-forgotten school rival who can still fit into her size two wedding dress and isn't it such a shame you've let yourself go. Instead of feeding into her nonsense, just smile and try the following in the most chipper tone you can conjure up:
a. “Oh, let's not talk about me, what's going on with you? How's (things in Middle Earth)?”
b. “The green bean casserole Uncle Manny brought was delicious, don't you think?”
c. “Do you smell smoke?”
It's all about setting boundaries. Make it clear that your body, your family, your partner, your life is not fodder for criticism or negative conversation. If you have to do a follow-up of “(Subject) is not up for discussion. Let's talk about something else”, then do it. You have to be quick-fire, you have to keep your head on a swivel so you can put out every single fire you have to in order to muddle through. Speaking of the word “through”, let's move onto our next bolded thingy:
The Follow-Through: If MPB Mom doesn't back off, then it's time to bring out the big guns - “Mom, I've already said I don't want to talk about (blank). If you insist on doing so, I'm going to leave.” Yes, you have to throw down. And yes, if she doesn't zip it, YOU HAVE TO LEAVE. No production number, no screaming, just say so long to the people who aren't MPBs and get your shit and split. (Note: if you bring a dish, be sure it's in a disposable container so you don't have to have the awkward next-day phone call trying to get your Corningware back.) Yes, she will be beyond pissed. Chances are others are going to be beyond pissed. You will most certainly be a topic of conversation then! But you know what? Be proud, because you stood your ground and you gave her plenty of warning that if she didn't shut her yap things were going to take a turn. And anyone who doesn't support you in your move can suck it, because you spined up and took a stand instead of caving in yet again trying to create a Rockwell picture that simply cannot exist in such an environment. What's the thing about a sign of true insanity being doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for a different result? Kudos to you, you're breaking the habit of pacifying, coddling, and taking shit from someone! That is GOOD.
Have a place to retreat to: If you're crossing state lines in order to put up with shit, it is SO important that you have a separate place in which to have a case of the snappies. That means you do NOT stay with someone (unless they pass the all-important test of whether they are MPBs). Do NOT. Splash out on a hotel/motel. If it's not in your budget, there is your reason for NOT ENDURING THIS UNHOLY HELL (whoo!). If you just need some moments to sit quietly and collect yourself, find a spare room or the bathroom, the garage, the broom closet, any place you can shut out the roar. Take a knee and remember it's all about how you react to these dingdongs and you have control.
Don't leave your partner in crime hanging: Doesn't it suck when you're getting shit on and no one will be the Sam to your Frodo? If you see your partner/your child/your family member you actually like getting shat upon like it's a hurricane, intervene immediately. Again, don't swoop in guns blazing all “YOU SHALL NOT PASS”, just smile and cheery-voice “Oh, partner, I can't find my blank, can you help me?” or any number of innocuous statements that will save them from the shittery.
YOU SHALL PASS...THE SWEET POTATO PUFF
It plays into the Redirection notion above. If you have to bust out “Don't speak to my person like that”, DO IT. But to jack with the offender, say it like you are talking to an adorable puppy with as much sugary sweetness as you can muster. I'm a big fan of speaking my mind/making non-felonious threats in as sweet and kind a voice as I can because it makes me laugh. And it may very well diffuse whatever tension has built up by this point. Which leads me to...
Does anyone remember laughterrrrrrrrrrrrrr: If you can't beat 'em, mock 'em. Whether it's in an aside to your partner in holiday crime or tweeting something catty, having an outlet in which to laugh is very key. Because sometimes, in the face of so much ridiculousness, all you can do to cope is laugh like Tom Hanks in “The Money Pit”:
In closing, my cornucopias of delight, I cannot emphasize enough that holiday gatherings should not come with a heaping side of guilt, sadness, or anger. You do not have to put up with anything you're not willing or ready or built to put up with. You don't always have to take one for the team. The prize you can keep your eyes on is a holiday that's spent with people you like and who like you back, no matter what. And if that means you fly solo and watch movies all day, then by golly, you need to do that instead of being barraged by hours upon hours of jerkery. That's not togetherness, that's not fellowship, that's pure crap. It's crap you, as a fully-growed adult, DO NOT HAVE TO WRANGLE IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO. You can do this. I believe in you. You are my gravy-soaked favorites.
Addendums:
- “Boring” is not the same as “hostile”. Yes, Grandma Pearl may be a petite, wizened dullard, but she knows how to rock a mean mashed potato. A boring gathering is far preferable to one where you feel like you need to wear Kevlar in order to survive.
- Do take a moment to do a self-check of your expectations and flip the script to make sure you're not the Holiday Douche.
- A good way to assist in a “No” is to send some sort of lovely floral item or Edible Arrangement or something classy from Harry & David or some other gourmet treat/trinket.
