I had kind of a weird revelation today
when I arrived home from my gig at the Evil Empire. I was named an
employee of the month at the Empire and then my boss told me she
wants to present me to my co-workers as, basically, someone to
emulate. All of which, on paper, seems quite good.
However, in reality, I'm utterly
horrified by it. If there's anything I've learned in my 39 years of
existence it's that people being successful at something is kind of
annoying. Sure, if you're “mature”, you are pleased when friends
or family achieve something. But tucked deep down in a corner of the
small bowel is a little wretched imp that breathes, “fuck you,
sailor” whenever someone does something of an achievementy nature.
Okay, fine, at least in me it does, but I know you've got a wretched
imp in there too DON'T LIE TO ME.
It's not that I don't want to be good
at my job. I like money and I like having some sort of say in how
things are run in my little corner of the Evil Empire. But I am
fretful that my co-worker pals will stop seeing me as Good Time Fun
Janey and begin seeing me as the goddamned pain in the ass brownnoser
who is making them do things or try things they don't want to do
since all any of us want to do is do our work and go home and not
have someone up our collective ass about how we do our work. Instead
of being part of the team and saying “yeah, yeah, they need to go
fuck themselves”, I'm going to be a part of the team that is going
to be the target of the “go fuck yourselves”. I want to believe
that I will be helpful and perhaps teach them some new tricks...but I
suspect I'll just be painted as a meddling douchetron. They're not
going to be glad that a member of the team is on the inside, they're
going to be pissed that I'm possibly complicating things for them or,
worse, making them look bad.
That's the rub, isn't it, being jealous
or irritated when someone achieves something. It's not so much about
that other person, but completely about us. About how we're somehow
NOT succeeding as long as someone else is. Or that it's utterly
impossible for us to succeed if Fang Watermelon has gone ahead and
won the trophy for Best Whatever. Never mind that we might be trying
for a different trophy, say, the Best HooHahery trophy – that
motherfucking Fang Watermelon's gone and TAKEN ALL THE GLORY. And
sure, if you're struggling to discover what it is you want to succeed
at or it feels like you haven't caught a break or you're a little low
on soul coal, seeing your peers or co-workers or whatever doing well
or getting attention for something...it can blow rather hard. In
those moments, all we can really do is dig our heels in and take
stock of what things in one's life are actually good and, if not
pleased with those results, see what it is that needs to be done in
order to make things good...er. I know I have people skills (despite
how much they can irritate the piss out of me) and that I can help my
co-workers see that I'm not the enemy or trying to make things shitty
for them.
Well, if nothing else, I'll dazzle them
with candy since all the Halloween displays are up and YUM FUN SIZED.
*this is what an old friend used to
call Morrissey's “We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful”
